The Heist
by The Crownless Queen
Summary: It's their last year in Hogwarts, and the Marauders have to go out with a bang. Or rather, with a heist. For Dessie.


**The Heist**

"Alright boys, I think it's time I called this session of the Official Great Yearly Heist Planning in order," James stated intently, standing in the middle of the table the four Marauders had commandeered in the abandoned classroom they had found in the early days of their second year.

"Do we have to go through this every time, James?" Remus sighed, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, he's right. We all know what we're here for," Peter added. "Why do you need to go through this presentation thing every time?"

"It's for _style_ ," Sirius protested, supporting James as always.

"And it's better to do things properly. We wouldn't want a repeat of the last time none of us thought to properly plan a prank now, would we?" James taunted with a smirk, and they all winced as one, remembering the terrible events of May 1975.

Defeated, Remus and Peter gestured at James to go on ahead.

"Right, now as I was saying, I welcome you all to our last planning session. Tonight, we're getting the plan started, and we need to make sure that everyone knows his role perfectly. I will now leave the floor to Padfoot, who will quickly sum up our goals and objectives," James finished, and jumped off the table just as Sirius started climbing it, narrowly avoiding disturbing the piles of parchments lying there.

"Goals and objectives are synonyms, James – for the last time, you don't have to use both!" Remus lamented, and was promptly ignored (as usual in these matters) as Sirius started talking.

"Welcome," Sirius greeted with the most ridiculous bow he could muster, "to Padfoot's Siriously amazing Summary Time-"

"Padfoot, I thought we told you not to call it that," James interrupted exasperatedly as he sat back in his chair. "That name is ridiculous."

"Your hair is ridiculous," Sirius retorted smartly, sending a vicious glare James' way. Ignoring the bewildered look sent his way, he continued. "Now, as I was saying before someone-" queue another pointed look sent James' way, "-so rudely interrupted my magnificent explanation, I am here to tell you what we will be doing for the two days.

"After all, this is our last year at Hogwarts, and as such this will be the last Great Yearly Heist we will be able to do here – we need to make this one count, to make it a memorable event, something future generations will tell tales of to their children at bedtime.

"This, my dearest Marauders friends, is our chance to become true legends," he concluded, and bowed again, this time under the applause of his friends.

"Well said," Peter cried out, hitting the table with the palm of his hands.

Clearing his throat, Sirius mimicked appeasing a delirious crowd.

"And now, for the moment you've all been waiting for – the planning itself.

"This year, we've decided to go directly for the win, for the big prize, and twist things around a little bit. Thanks to our dearest Moony's suggestion-"

"Don't thank me, I wasn't _actually_ suggesting that we-"

" _Thank you_ , Moony," James quickly said loudly, putting his hand over Remus' mouth, "for your invaluable help in this planning."

Glaring, Remus leaned back in his seat, crossing his arms.

"Thank you Prongs, for that timely intervention. Now, where was I?"

"The plan," Peter prompted, pretending to cough in his hand.

"Right, the plan. Well, it is pretty simple – this year, your dastardly Marauders are going to steal – sorry, Moony, I meant borrow – a painting from the Headmaster's office."

Beneath him, Remus shook his head in despair in his seat.

"Oh, but what painting exactly?" James asked over-enthusiastically.

"Well, my dear Prongs, it's actually quite simple: we're going to steal – sorry, I meant borrow – the painting of my illustrious ancestor Phineas Nigellus Black, a former Headmaster of this wonderful institution," Sirius explained in the most serious tone he could manage, only cracking up at complimenting his ancestor..

"And how are we going to accomplish this?" Peter questioned, his expression just as exaggeratedly eager as James' had been.

"Ah, this is the great question, isn't it?" Sirius replied with a wink. "Well, since you're all so eager to know, let me tell you how our perfect plan is going to work.

"Firstly, we need a distraction. This is where our dearest Wormtail comes into play-"

"Why am I always the distraction anyway?" Peter protested. "Why can't I be something else for once? I'm tired of always being the one to ridicule himself in front of everyone. Why can't one of you do it?"

"We've talked about this Peter – it's James' cloak so he has to be the one to use it, and Phineas' family so he'll protest less if he sees me, and the full moon is only in a couple of days, so we don't want to draw suspicion on Remus – ergo, it has to be you."

"It's still not fair," Peter scowled. "I can use the cloak as well as any of you, and I'm a better look-out than Remus anyway."

"Yes, Peter, we know," James said sympathetically, patting Peter on the arm. "And usually we'd consider switching yours and Remus' positions, but this is too important to mess with at this stage."

Sirius cleared his throat, forcing the other three Gryffindors to look back up at him.

"Anyway, Wormtail is the distraction. Wormtail, do you know what you need to do?"

"Yeah," Peter sighed unenthusiastically. "I know."

"And?" Sirius prompted with a pointed look.

Sighing again, Peter started to explain his role. "At dinner, I will start a food fight and make sure that it keeps going for as long as it can while you three slip out of the Great Hall in the chaos."

"And what if the fight ends before we come back?"

"Do I have to?" Peter whined, clearly uncomfortable.

"Yes," Sirius stated, unrelenting.

"If you guys aren't back before the fight ends, I'm to send the signal that will get all the goblets and dishes to turn into rats – come one guys, why does it have to be rats?"

"I'm sorry, Wormtail, but you have to admit that most people get freaked by rodents. It's just fact, buddy, don't take it personal," James explained.

"Don't take it personal, don't take it personal. I'd like him not to take it personally if I suddenly filled the Great Hall with hundreds of deer," he muttered underneath his breath.

"Secondly," Sirius continued, appearing satisfied with Peter's explanation and ignoring his angry mutterings," we need a look-out. Moony, I believe you have a few words for us?"

"Yes," Remus replied, rolling his eyes, "though I don't think you want to hear me say once again that I think this reunion is stupid and useless and could have been over twenty minutes ago if you had just _let me_ do the summing up-"

"But Moony, you don't have the right sense of theatrics!" Sirius protested, pouting. Beside Remus, James and Peter nodded along, not even having the grace to look apologetic.

"You mean I'm the sane one," Remus corrected.

Putting his hand over his heart and jerking back like he had just been hit, Sirius replied. "Moony, are you implying that we're _not_ sane? That hurts, you know."

"I'm not implying anything," Remus said drily, rolling his eyes, "I'm stating it. You're all mad, and I have no idea why I'm friend with any of you."

"That's because you _love_ us," Sirius sing-sang, swaying on the table.

"Keep telling yourself that," Remus retorted with a smirk as he tried not to smile.

"Boys, boys," James interrupted, "I believe we're getting off tracks there."

"Right," Sirius jerked back into focus. "Moony, your role, if you please."

"Fine, fine," Remus relented with a light smile. "I'm the look-out, and I'll be looking-out after your sorry asses while you sneak into Dumbledore's office, an action that I'd like to state for the record that I'm against of, and I'll warn you if I see anyone coming."

"The record notes your complaint," Sirius replied, gesturing with his wand to a blackboard at the other end of the room, where a white piece of chalk started writing Remus' words. "If you could explain, _for the record_ , how you'll be warning us that someone's coming our way, please?"

Remus sighed and rolled his eyes again. "You know, this is really ridiculous. Just because I'm a-"

"-handsome virile wizard with a very violent rabbit?" James interrupted.

"-lucky bastard who has the tragic backstory to appeal to all the girls?" Sirius suggested with a saucy wink, prompting bewildered looks from his friends. "What? I hear things, you know."

"I'm sure," Remus drawled. "Anyway, I don't see why I have to, and I quote you here, James, ' _howl like a wolf_ ' if I see someone instead of, I don't know, make any other kind of sound."

"We've talked about this, Moony – you're Moony, your call sign is howling at the moon. That's how it works!"

"Well I still think it's a stupid idea."

"Complaint noted, and ignored, because it's a stupid complaint," Sirius replied. Still, the white chalk rose at the end of the room, and wrote _Howling is Stupid – Moony_ on the blackboard.

"And now, for the finale: the theft – sorry Moony, the borrowing – of which Prongs and myself, the great Padfoot, are responsible for," Sirius continued.

"We will slip in through the stairs using the password Prongs so helpfully managed to get earlier this week-"

"-Yes, about that…" James said sheepishly.

"What?"

"Right… How to put it…" James continued, biting his lower lip as he tried to find the right words.

Finally, Peter interrupted gleefully. "He doesn't have the password, Padfoot."

"Prongs? How is that possible?" Sirius questioned, looking betrayed.

"Well, you see, the funny thing is that I was with Lily and we were on a date and she asked me if we were planning to do something this week, and you know how she has this _look_ , like she's disappointed in me when I play a prank, and well I couldn't-"

"You couldn't get sent to Dumbledore because Lily would have been disappointed in you," Sirius concluded, his tone unimpressed.

"Yes?" James replied, wincing.

"Come on, Prongs! How are we supposed to sneak in if we can't even get past the gargoyle guarding the door? You know it won't let us in without the password," Sirius berated him, running a hand through his hair in stress.

"I'm sorry, okay," James said, "but you know I can't lie to Lily! She sees right through me, and –"

Tired of the drama, Remus leaned forward. "The password's Cockroach Cluster," he announced. "Don't make me regret this," he cautioned.

"We won't," Sirius and James swore in unison.

"So now that we're back on track, no thanks to Prongs here-"

"-hey, I said I was sorry!"

"-Sorry's not enough when you could have ruined months of planning!"

"Which we clearly didn't need since Moony knew the password in the first place and could have told us in the beginning."

"Don't pull me into this – Dumbledore gives me his password in case of emergency, and he trusts me to use it wisely. Giving it to you so you can sneak in and steal from him doesn't really seem to qualify as wise, unless the definition of the word has changed in the last ten minutes!" Remus protested.

"I think we should let Padfoot continue," Peter intervened in a quiet voice.

"Thank you, Peter," Remus acquiesced. "You're right, we should let Padfoot continue."

They sent a pointed look Sirius' way, who after one last half-hearted scowl sent James' way, obeyed.

"So, using the password _Moony_ gave us, we'll sneak into Dumbledore's office under the cloak so that no one can see us. James will cast silencing spells on the room while I lift Phineas' portrait off the wall, and then we'll put it in a bottomless bag I'm bringing. James' in charge of leaving our little souvenir, then we'll sneak back out the same way we came in.

"If all goes well, we'll be back in time for dessert," Sirius concluded.

"The next morning, Phineas' portrait will be stuck to the Headmaster's chair in the Great Hall underneath a glowing message that we'll have painted that very night," James added, extending a hand Sirius' way so he could climb down from the table.

"Well, this was a very… productive session of planning," Remus stated drily, eyebrow arched, "I dare say we are ready to proceed with the actual Heist."

"Indeed we are, my dear Moony. Indeed we are," James replied in a proud voice, clasping Remus' shoulder. "After all, it is time for dinner."

"Hooray," Peter said in a dead voice, and followed his friends out of the room, shutting off the lights with a wave of his wand.

It was time for the show to begin.


End file.
